I laughed. I cried. And I collected my favorites. Here they are.
I usually don't write personal stuff like this. It’s kindof a rant, really. Or, a story of my pain for you to laugh at. Maybe that’s what it is. Or maybe it’s about how one of my favorite countries in the world is just not that into me. What are you talking about, you ask? Oh, just read on. Maybe you’ll have a laugh. Also: this is NOT a work of fiction.
It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of Brighton, England. Because vegan food! So I spend a lot of time coming and going from London. I even like to use London as a layover stop when I go to Iceland. It’s just so convenient. The airports are nice. And I love British pubs.
But, the time has finally come for me to start seriously trying to avoid ever flying into London again. The sheer amount of time I spend in the glass box of shame at Gatwick immigration is really starting to take years off my life.
The first few times were ok. They really had me thinking I was just wrong for showing up because they don’t like Americans.
But then the next few times started to get worse. I finally got pretty fed up with the whole rigamarole when the last immigration officer looked at all the stamps in my passport, got red in the face, raised his voice at me, and said that I’m "abusing the system" by “traveling too much” and that I “really should go home”.
I mean, really. It’s like getting in trouble for something you didn’t do. It’s super annoying. I know they hate Trump, but c’mon, I cannot possibly look enough like Trump to warrant this kind of abuse! My hair is not that bad!
And, It’s such a shame they hate me so much because I do spend tons of money eating and drinking in England, especially Brighton. The pints alone are like 6 pounds a piece. If nothing else, I’m definitely contributing to the tourism industry.
Let me also say that, contrary to popular belief, I’m actually not a total moron! I'm a full-time traveler! And I’ve been traveling my entire life. I meticulously do my homework, keep track of my travels, my visas, and my Schengen time. The Schengen algorithm formula can kiss my butt, frankly, but I still keep track so that I’m aways within the limits. I never violate any visas or overstay my time. I’m not doing anything wrong and I don’t deserve to be harassed. So, meh.
Nonetheless, these stories have started to become funnier and funnier as entertainment fodder because nobody ever believes that this actually happens. Apparently other Americans can come and go from the UK as they please. Well, la-di-frickin-da to them.
Last time I flew in, a friend picked me up at the airport and had to wait for an extra hour after my flight had landed for me to show up at arrivals. When they asked why it took me so long to get through immigration I had to explain how I was detained and yelled at while everyone else on my flight just waltzed right on by. I’m 99% sure that this isn’t just a huge elaborate plot for London airports to make more money off of their parking meters, since anyone picking me up likely has to pay for extra time.
Anyways. I’ve been keeping track of these pearls of wisdom I’ve gathered during my last few debates with the lovely folks at Gatwick.
So, without further ado, here are....
The Top Ten Most Outrageous UK Visa Rules
10. Self-employed travelers need a pre-approved self employment visa, obtained in their home country prior to travel, in order to enter the UK for any length of time, even a 1 hr layover.
9. Ireland is Schengen. And anytime spent in the Republic of Ireland directly counts against your success of entry into the UK.
(Verified by 2 officers and a manager who then spent one whole hour calculating my Schengen time, and included Ireland in it.)
8. If you're close to your Schengen 90/180 tourist visa limit, you can be denied entry to the UK since they're “afraid you won't leave". (Don’t think about this one too long or your head will explode.)
7. If you get a 6 month tourist visa, it's completely wiped out if you leave and come back again, even if you only leave for 1 hour.
6. Housesitting is considered "unpaid employment" and is therefore illegal on a tourist visa and grounds for immediate deportation. Likewise, if you are visiting friends or family and stay in their house without proof of paying rent, then you are still receiving free accommodation, which is considered “payment in kind”, is also unpaid employment, illegal, and grounds for deportation.
5. You will be denied entry without sufficient proof of travel insurance. Even for a 1 hour layover with proof of onward travel.
(But nobody knows what the limits or coverages required are).
4. You will be denied entry without sufficient bank statements to prove income. Again, even for a layover with proof of travel.
(But nobody knows what the income requirements, ratios, or proof of requirements are.)
3. Frequent and/or full-time travelers are "abusing the system" by "traveling too much".
(But nobody knows exactly what system or exactly why or how it’s being violated.)
2. Travelers on tourist visas have to “go home every once in a while”.
(But nobody knows when, how frequently, or where you're supposed to go.)
And, lastly, coming in at numero uno, my all-time favorite...
1. "Americans are simply not welcome in the UK”.
So many things the immigration officers have told me have ranged from true to false to completely ridiculous so these, I’m sure, all fall somewhere on that rainbow. Most are just weird grey-area type rules. I think that #4 and #5 can be true, #9 is clearly wrong (both the UK and the Republic of Ireland are NOT Schengen), and #6 might be somewhat true. Maybe.
I’d love to credit the folks I’ve quoted here, but don't ya know, I just never got any of their names during any of our long heart to heart chats! Instead I’ve just been calling them, um, other names. And I bet you can guess some of those pretty easily.
And, I leave you with a very pretty picture of England to demonstrate my unrequited love affair...